02 November 2010

Google: Enabling Crazy Ex-Girlfriends Since 1998

(Edit:  My female Tweeps have reminded me that there are crazy stalker ex-boyfriends as well.  Take that as you will)

I imagine there are quite a few jealous, jilted ladies out there in the vast Internet.  Hi, welcome.  Allow me to let you in on a little secret.  See, we all know that you like to Google search your ex-boyfriend's name, occasionally searching for his new girlfriend.

Since I have the Great Satan's Girlfriend on my blogroll, I often get hits from crazy exes looking for the word "girlfriend" in connection with big names in the defense community.  Similarly, Great Satan's Girlfriend herself gets all kinds of hits from jealous ex-lovers.

With that said, I wonder who in Stockholm, Sweden is crazy enough to do a Google search for "julian assange girlfriend"?  Twice in one morning.  (Last Wednesday morning, 27 October, at 8:30 AM and 10:00 AM Central Europe Time)

I'm not making this up.

Click on it to view full-size
Mr. Assange, you definitely need to keep your ho on a leash.  Just make sure she signs a consent form before she does any of that kinky leash stuff, though.

And for further clarification, when I refer to "kinky stuff", I mean this:
I found myself loving a girl who was a coffee addict. I would make a watery paste of finely ground coffee and surreptitiously smear this around my neck and shoulders before seducing her so she would associate my body with her dopaminergic cravings. But every association relates two objects both ways. She started drinking more and more coffee. Sometimes I looked at her cups of liquid arabicia with envious eyes for if there were four cups then somehow, I was one of them, or a quarter of everyone one of them...
--From a blog post entitled, "Krill to the Baleen of the Feminine" by Julian Assange, dated 29 June 2006.  Folks, I think we've found the Bloodninja.  
It's not so much the smearing of coffee that gets me--after all, R. Kelly's been known for more vile substances.  But it's Assange's use of techniques which resemble Neruo-Linguistic Programming that are, quite possibly the most creepy of all.    

(For those that don't know, Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a nebulous pseudo-science which many in the seduction community use hypnotic suggestion which seeks to link words, sights, sounds and smells to sexual arousal.  That's really about all I can say about the subject, as NLP seminars cost in the thousands of dollars.  I can't afford to really do the research on the subject, so I'll kind of leave it at that.  Don't judge---the rent is too damn high.)  

In other news, Mountainrunner is looking for a few good Wikileakers to speak about the organization rationally, and the New Yorker is downright critical of Mr. Assange's behavior.  


laurenist said...

If smearing coffee paste all over yourself is now considered kinky then I feel bad for everyone who calls themselves vanilla.

courtneyme109 said...

Ah, being hot!, funny, smart and all together with with it bears certain costs, nicht wahr?

Kelly said...

Um, yeah, I'm not even sure how to comment! LOL!