For all you New Year's Eve revelers...

The Wall Street Journal has the lowdown on what is, by far, the best application of mobile internet technology: portable blood alcohol content calculator.

Indeed, the most obvious use of this new application would best be used to reduce the likelihood and severity of drunk texts, particularly the likelihood of one accidentally sexually soliciting one's male friends, battalion commander's driver, complete strangers, you name it. (Don't ask where I came up with this example) It might also have the added benefit of keeping drunk drivers off the street. The WSJ reports:

DENVER -- Heather Poli wasn't quite sure how to react when her friend's cellphone informed her she was drunk.

The 27-year-old ad-agency worker had been at a bar here with her buddies. It was late; she was about to catch a ride home. Then a friend pulled out an iPhone, and the gang took turns entering their weights and what they had imbibed into an app called R-U-Buzzed?

Bing! Up popped estimates of their blood-alcohol content. Ms. Poli's designated driver turned out to be hammered. Ms. Poli wanted to take the wheel herself, but to her indignation, the phone told her no: "I got the big red 'Don't even think about driving' result." Her hangover the next day confirmed the phone's assessment, she says ruefully. "But at the time, it was very surprising." Still, she obeyed the phone and called a cab.

Of course, a cell phone-based BAC calculator isn't 100% accurate. Then again, neither are most hand-held breathalysers. The WSJ article mentions a small, portable chemical breathalyser which one can attach to a keychain. Last year, these things were given out by the thousands by the 10th Mountain Division at Fort Drum, and we soon found out just how inaccurate they were--Soldiers were arrested for DUI even after the keychain breathalysers mistakenly indicated they were sober. Their best use was--and I know this through personal experience--in drinking games, a la the Tucker Max Sushi Pants Story. Don't believe me? Quoth the Journal:

Pocket breath-analysis devices, some so small they fit on keychains, have been sold for some time, for as little as $15, though experts warn that they aren't always accurate. There are also several online blood-alcohol calculators. Colorado officials hope that bringing the issue to the iPhone will make it even easier -- and more socially acceptable -- for young adults to keep tabs on their intoxication.

But some have found another use: "It could definitely become a drinking game," says Brad Brown, a 23-year-old bank teller.

Mr. Brown pulled out the app at a recent party and started punching in each drink as he downed it: One shot of vodka. Two. Three. A mixed drink. A beer. It became a challenge, he says, to watch the blood-alcohol content climb and see when he could tip the color bar from gray to yellow to red. He didn't drive home that night, but he credits his common sense, not the app. "It's just a cool thing to mess around with," he says. "It gives you another excuse to drink."

So drink responsibly this New Year's Eve. For those so inclined, you can follow my Blood Alcohol Content and Twitpics on Twitter. God help us all...

Halloween

Those of you who have read this blog in its various permutations over the years know that I get drunk, talk to women, generally skirt most normal social conventions, wear obnoxious t-shirts, and generally have all sorts of bizarre misadventures on the weekend. (Many times, tying it in to advanced theories of warfare) Last night was no different. Indeed, Halloween is quite possibly my favorite holiday of the year because I actually have an excuse for behaving obnoxiously.

An officer, yes, but a gentleman no.

Anyway, this is one of those magical years where Halloween occurs on the same day that we set our clocks back, meaning that the bars stay open an extra hour to accommodate us. I decided to microblog my misadventures on Twitter, and I must say, it was an amusing Halloween.

What amused me most of all was the creativity in the costumes. (For the record, I went out dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi, complete with my FX lightsaber that glowed and made sounds. Truly, it was quite the highlight to have women ask if they could hold my "lightsaber". I also used the Jedi mind trick when the bartender asked for ID. I amuse myself.) One guy was dressed as a surgeon and had a "free mammograms" sign. One girl--hot, no less--was dressed as an Tolkien-style elf and actually...I am not making this up...played World of Warcraft. (If WoW girls are all like this chick, I think I need to go as Leeroy Jenkins next year). One group went as a Star Trek crew, with Kirk, Spock and a redshirt girl.

But the winner was a woman who was wearing a miniature leopard-patterned dress with a leopard-ear headband. When I complimented her on her leopard outfit, she corrected me:

"No, no. I'm a cougar"

"A real cougar?"

"Yeah, I'm 40"

We have a winner.

Classic Post re: women, alcohol, and 4GW

Those of you who know me personally may have wondered when I became a counterinsurgency blogger instead of a blogger who concentrated on his weekend debauchery? Fear not, because I have a bit of a blast from the past--a post I made last year in another blog which combines the best of 4th Generation Warfare theory and debauchery at the club. Let's watch:

Originally posted 20 January, 2008:

I've talked earlier about the famous OODA Loop, a theory of warfare and business based on the writings of fighter pilot Colonel John Boyd. Essentially, it represents a decision cycle which everyone--from the tiniest one-celled organism to the largest bureaucracies--must undergo in order to spark action and adaptation to unfolding circumstances, the key to success in any arena.

Note: Boyd notes that Decide and Act can often be done simultaneously, especially when one has a highly developed sense of intuitive thinking and knows exactly what needs to be done in many situations (often developed by experience). This can also, in my case, be a result of alcohol.

But could OODA be applied to talking to women at the club? The Intel Officer and I go undercover at SUNY-Oswego in order to find out.

True to form, the Intel Officer had credible intelligence to suggest that SUNY-Oswego had bars and girls. Unfortunately, when we got to Oswego, we found out the intelligence was flawed, as SUNY-Oswego was not in session for another few weeks.

We went into a few bars to see whom we could talk to. We wound up going to one club, where, after a few beverages, I needed to relieve my bladder. I was trying to get over the fact that I didn't remember college-aged girls looking so, well, young, when the Intel Guy came up to me and told me that he had struck up a conversation with two girls who wanted to "dance". (I put that in quotation marks because, well, after watching the pure awesomeness that was the Stormtrooper Dance from yesterday's entry, this didn't qualify as dancing.)

That's when I noticed something alarming about these two girls.

Observe: I see little X marks on the hands of these two girls.
Orient: Previous experience has taught me that this means that someone is under 21, which is not good in my current predicament.
Decide-Act: I make some nonverbal gestures at the Intel Officer which basically means we need to get the hell out of there quickly.

Observe: One girl starts to pop her collar.
Orient: Analysis and Synthesis...I remember that popping one's collar is a part of a great Chuck Norris joke. Previous experience tells me that everyone loves those Chuck Norris Jokes.
Decide-Act: I say, "So, you're popping your collar? You know, Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar. His shirt just gets an erection from being on his back."

Now we have an unfolding interaction with the environment, which leads me to observe this:

Observe: The girl is not laughing at my joke. Instead, she has a puzzled look on her face and asks, "Who's Chuck Norris"?
Orient: How the hell does this girl not know who Chuck Norris is? Cultural traditions and previous experience have told me that this either means that a.) She's way too young to know who Chuck Norris is or b.) She's an idiot. I realize that since Chuck Norris jokes are all over collegehumor.com, the average college student must be aware that they exist, so I settle on a.) this girl is an idiot.
Decide: I need to bail now.
Act: The Intel Officer is still doing well with his girl, so, being a good wingman, I decide to wait this one out.

Fortunately, I observe that...

Observe: The girls want to leave the club to go eat.
Orient: I realize that this will give us an excellent opportunity to escape.

This constitutes a mini-OODA loop within a larger one. (You can go backwards through the loop, according to the diagram, as you constantly process new information).

Observe: The Intel officer must be reading my mind, because he says, "We should leave, like now".
Orient: I realize that there is no more perfect time to do so.
Decide-Act: As the girls are placing their order, presumably expecting us to pay for everything, the Intel Officer and I bail out the back door of the pizza place, hopefully leaving these girls to pay for their meal unexpectedly. Heh heh heh.

Bonus--Quote of the Evening:

Girl who doesn't know who Chuck Norris is: (Looking at my beer) Do you drink until women look cute?
Me: No, but tonight's a good night to start...