25 October 2009

Classic Post re: women, alcohol, and 4GW

Those of you who know me personally may have wondered when I became a counterinsurgency blogger instead of a blogger who concentrated on his weekend debauchery? Fear not, because I have a bit of a blast from the past--a post I made last year in another blog which combines the best of 4th Generation Warfare theory and debauchery at the club. Let's watch:

Originally posted 20 January, 2008:

I've talked earlier about the famous OODA Loop, a theory of warfare and business based on the writings of fighter pilot Colonel John Boyd. Essentially, it represents a decision cycle which everyone--from the tiniest one-celled organism to the largest bureaucracies--must undergo in order to spark action and adaptation to unfolding circumstances, the key to success in any arena.

Note: Boyd notes that Decide and Act can often be done simultaneously, especially when one has a highly developed sense of intuitive thinking and knows exactly what needs to be done in many situations (often developed by experience). This can also, in my case, be a result of alcohol.

But could OODA be applied to talking to women at the club? The Intel Officer and I go undercover at SUNY-Oswego in order to find out.

True to form, the Intel Officer had credible intelligence to suggest that SUNY-Oswego had bars and girls. Unfortunately, when we got to Oswego, we found out the intelligence was flawed, as SUNY-Oswego was not in session for another few weeks.

We went into a few bars to see whom we could talk to. We wound up going to one club, where, after a few beverages, I needed to relieve my bladder. I was trying to get over the fact that I didn't remember college-aged girls looking so, well, young, when the Intel Guy came up to me and told me that he had struck up a conversation with two girls who wanted to "dance". (I put that in quotation marks because, well, after watching the pure awesomeness that was the Stormtrooper Dance from yesterday's entry, this didn't qualify as dancing.)

That's when I noticed something alarming about these two girls.

Observe: I see little X marks on the hands of these two girls.
Orient: Previous experience has taught me that this means that someone is under 21, which is not good in my current predicament.
Decide-Act: I make some nonverbal gestures at the Intel Officer which basically means we need to get the hell out of there quickly.

Observe: One girl starts to pop her collar.
Orient: Analysis and Synthesis...I remember that popping one's collar is a part of a great Chuck Norris joke. Previous experience tells me that everyone loves those Chuck Norris Jokes.
Decide-Act: I say, "So, you're popping your collar? You know, Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar. His shirt just gets an erection from being on his back."

Now we have an unfolding interaction with the environment, which leads me to observe this:

Observe: The girl is not laughing at my joke. Instead, she has a puzzled look on her face and asks, "Who's Chuck Norris"?
Orient: How the hell does this girl not know who Chuck Norris is? Cultural traditions and previous experience have told me that this either means that a.) She's way too young to know who Chuck Norris is or b.) She's an idiot. I realize that since Chuck Norris jokes are all over collegehumor.com, the average college student must be aware that they exist, so I settle on a.) this girl is an idiot.
Decide: I need to bail now.
Act: The Intel Officer is still doing well with his girl, so, being a good wingman, I decide to wait this one out.

Fortunately, I observe that...

: The girls want to leave the club to go eat.
Orient: I realize that this will give us an excellent opportunity to escape.

This constitutes a mini-OODA loop within a larger one. (You can go backwards through the loop, according to the diagram, as you constantly process new information).

Observe: The Intel officer must be reading my mind, because he says, "We should leave, like now".
Orient: I realize that there is no more perfect time to do so.
Decide-Act: As the girls are placing their order, presumably expecting us to pay for everything, the Intel Officer and I bail out the back door of the pizza place, hopefully leaving these girls to pay for their meal unexpectedly. Heh heh heh.

Bonus--Quote of the Evening:

Girl who doesn't know who Chuck Norris is: (Looking at my beer) Do you drink until women look cute?
Me: No, but tonight's a good night to start...

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